Nothing Beats Seeing Yankees Lose At Home

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NEW YORK—An exhaustive report drawing on data compiled over the past several decades and released Tuesday concluded that nothing beats seeing the New York Yankees lose at home. “After observing millions of different scenarios, we have confirmed that seeing the Yankees lose a home game and watching their awful fans sadly file out of the stadium increases dopamine production in the brain to levels unmatched by any other event,” said Professor Andrew Lau, a co-author of the Stanford University study, which found the average level of joy derived from seeing the Yankees lose a ball game surpassed that of watching one’s child be born, one’s wedding day, or winning the lottery. “While respondents to a nationwide survey were universal in ranking a Yankees loss as the best thing to witness, some favored watching them get completely blown out by the opposing team, while others preferred to see them lose in heartbreaking fashion via a walk-off home run. Virtually all of the respondents agreed that they derived incredible happiness from seeing a child in a Yankees hat catch a foul ball that he was not even excited for because the team was losing so bad, and that seeing men who had crafted their whole identity around their Yankees fandom have their spirit crushed produced a massive burst of euphoria.” The study revealed that of all the scenarios surveyed, the only one that came close to being as good as watching the Yankees lose was seeing the Dallas Cowboys get absolutely obliterated on national television.

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